Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
