i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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