apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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