I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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