You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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