Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
