just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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