i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize