when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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