why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Success! We fucked roommates!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
