I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
