I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
