I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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