I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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