I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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