I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
