Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
