I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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