Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
