i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
