do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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