I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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