walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Randomize
