You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
