I accidentally burped into my bong.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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