She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
