btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
