remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
