I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
