Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
