I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
