Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
