dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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