Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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