Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he puts the penis in happiness.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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