if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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