Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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