You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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