Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Let's get the cat blown out
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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