I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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