Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
