apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
