I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
