I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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