It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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