he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
