I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
