i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
