So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
