you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
