Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(817): View more from Texas

I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...

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(817): I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working... http://tfl.nu/rly7

Replies (20) Good night (1270) Bad night (3453)
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

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(978): saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in? (1-978): well apparently not. http://tfl.nu/kqax

Replies (50) Good night (1521) Bad night (5555)
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(916): View more from California

And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.

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(916): And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides. http://tfl.nu/gjkd

Replies (29) Good night (1629) Bad night (3391)
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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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(732): I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.' http://tfl.nu/iq97

Replies (27) Good night (1638) Bad night (5386)
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.

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(608): He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles. http://tfl.nu/pu4v

Replies (20) Good night (3726) Bad night (1242)
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(973): View more from New Jersey

composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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(973): composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals. http://tfl.nu/kw2o

Replies (13) Good night (5443) Bad night (1082)
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(443): View more from Maryland

She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.

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(443): She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk. http://tfl.nu/dqlg

Replies (6) Good night (2855) Bad night (709)
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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.

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(732): This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms. http://tfl.nu/i073

Replies (3) Good night (1664) Bad night (871)
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day

(617): View more from Massachusetts

How about a mike?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Already had two of those

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(978): I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day (617): How about a mike? (978): Already had two of those http://tfl.nu/wf5g

Replies (4) Good night (1668) Bad night (775)
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(971): View more from Oregon

Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard

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(971): Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard http://tfl.nu/g5bb

Replies (1) Good night (1252) Bad night (654)
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate

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(306): So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate http://tfl.nu/7nyf

Replies (7) Good night (776) Bad night (2315)
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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(605): The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet. http://tfl.nu/kmib

Replies (12) Good night (3455) Bad night (631)
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(210): View more from Texas

Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

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(210): Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? http://tfl.nu/xmws

Replies (1) Good night (605) Bad night (366)
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(908): View more from New Jersey

Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls

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(908): Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls http://tfl.nu/2qe0

Replies (1) Good night (577) Bad night (634)
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(515): View more from Iowa

I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.

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(515): I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that. http://tfl.nu/doso

Replies (2) Good night (305) Bad night (166)

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