I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
