i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
