Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
