i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
