Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
