The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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