wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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