I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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